Day fucking four teen(s) [:Seattle-Portland:]

Finally a late check out and a relatively short drive. Haven't had one of those since the East Coast, I'm sure. If I didn't fuck up, it would have been even nicer. I bloody woke up at 0830 am and couldn't get back to sleep, but had a decent night sleep anyway; definitely better than sleeping in the van. At least I got time to download some shit on my new iPad, like iKaossilator and iElectribe. Fun stuff!

I am sorry guys, but I feel the blog posts are getting more and more predictable and boring, but that reflects some of the days on the tour. This might ruin your image of the glamorous life on tour, but that's the way it is somtimes, especially when the cities are far away from each other. That being said, it is fucking glamorous, actually so glamorous we cannot depict it in this blog :-P And when you leave some ofthat shit out, what you are left with is basically: woke up, drove, loaded in, waited for show, performed, packed down, drove off (then repeat).

The merch sales are low; trying new strategies

Traffic

I'll just continue the story, boring or not. So, hit the traffic into Portland. Chris' girlfriend Erica joined us in Seattle and was now riding with us in the van to Portland, and she'd brought all kinds of goodies from Europe: salty licorice, dark chocolate and all kinds of sweets :-) Got to the Fez or whatever the venue in Portland was called, and we were deeply surprised how tacky the venue looked. There were beds everywhere, and it did look like the place where everyone would just smoke weed and get into a massive orgy. I bet there was quite a lot of weed going round, but the orgy never happened.

Icon on a Coil

On arrival mr. Tom Edwards surprised us with a couple of awesome gifts, more specifically a metal cut-out reading Icon of Coil and the one and only Icon on a Coil. Nice work, man! THat was creative and very much appreciated! We found many uses for them already in Portland, but we are definitely bringing them back to the studio in Atlanta!

The Fez was another one of those places where the backstage area is just behind the curtains behind the stage. This makes it hard to talk and relax and really stresses me out, but having a huge dildo backstage helped :-p Those of you who were attedning the Portland show did probably notice that the dildo made an appearance on stage during the last part of our show. I think it did a good job as stand in for Sebastian, although it could never beat the real Komor! Then two words about the Portland crowd: fucking awesome! They nearly tore down the stage to have us do an encore, and after the encore the promotor had to go on stage and say a few words so that they didn't totally destroyed the place.

Casi showing off

So we headed out after loading the van and drove off to San Francisco, one of the drives we all have dreaded for quite some time. As I am sitting here writing, we are still more than 100 miles outside SF, tired and ready for an off day in LA on Thursday. I hope and expect SF and DNA Lounge to be a good show, but I really cannot wait to get to LA and meet up with a friend of mine from Fredrikstad, my hometown, who has moved to Marina del Rey, for some beach life, relaxing and good time. But before that there is San Francisco on Wednesday, and then bbq in Hollywood Hills on Thursday. Good having something to look forward to when you are dead tired in a van with people throwing up and shitting themselves. Yes, you heard me! Some pieces of clothing just do not survive a tour like this and have to be put to eternal rest at a hotel or in the ditch somewhere along the road.

If I should die, think only this of me:
That there's some corner of a foreign field
That is forever IOC. There shall be
In that rich earth a richer dust concealed;
A dust whom IOC bore, shaped, made aware,
Gave, once, their waste to love, their boxers to roam;
A body of IOC's, breathing Norwegian air,
Washed by the waters, blest by Taco Bell.
And think, this heart, all evil shed away,
A pulse in the eternal mind, no less
Gives somewhere back the thoughts by IOC given;
Their sights and sounds; beats hard as their day;
And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness,
In hearts at peace, under a Norwegian heaven.

Freely from Rupert Brookes "The Soldier"

Day 13 Boise - Seattle

 Seattle

Washington, USA

Sognefjorden, Norway

So, it was finally time to hit the West Coast, to see the ocean and to be back in so-called civilized surroundings (although Washington laws and habits can be damn weird sometimes). We had another one of those overnight drives again. Most of us fell asleep shortly after we'd left the venue, and once again we had a freakin' cold night in the van. About the time some of us got to buy blankets at this redneck truck stop in some desolate valley, the sun had come up and we didn't really need them anymore, but I guess they will come in handy when we drive from Portland to San Francisco or from Austin to Chicago (!)

Waking up in the mountainous area outside Seattle was really great. Breathtaking nature and the sunrise just set the mood prefectly. Actually I woke up where there is a really barren landscape and the road just kept descending towards this beautiful and green valley. After crossing the valley we hit the pinewoods and the steep and enormous mountains and quiet lovely lakes. It sure was a beautiful scene and yes, it does look a lot like Norway, especially the western parts of Norway. And the temperatures, the fresh smell in the air and the low humidity also fits well with Norwgian climate.

Mouth orgasm

Stopped at a hotel about 20 miles south of Seattle at a golf resort in Kent Valley. The green was actually just right outside the window of our hotel room, so we could see all the fat old people and their golf cars cruisin' around. Didn't get time to sleep myself as I had to do laundry and work out. Had the best fucking salad ever, though. I went to Shari's across the street from the laundromat as i was waiting for the tumble dryer and ordered a steak salad with pekan nuts, cherry tomatoes, rasberry vinegar, red onions, bleu cheese and awsome steak strips. My mouth orgasmed at least 89 times during that meal.

Washington state law sucks when it comes to alcohol. You are apparently not allowed to bring outside alcohol into any club, and basically, at El Corazon, you are not allowed to bring beer or any alcoholic beverages out of the backstage. So at first we were supposed to get drink tickets and then we were supposed to get beer cans after all. All this back and forth just made Tom, Casi, Frank and me go to Feierabend two blocks down from the venue. That is a German bar where they serve german beers in big litre glasses (the German word for it is "Mass"), and SITD were there four years earlier getting totally shitfaced before soundcheck. I had like 20 minutes till the meet and greet with the VIPs and literally ran over to this bar, got a huge beer, chugged it and ran back again. That was honestly the best beer I had on thos tour, and you are kind of tipsy after just one of those beers.

Christian and Tom Mass trinken - gemütlichkeit!

I got back to the venue in time and got to hang out with a really cool group of Seattlers before doors. And then Shaun Frandsen arrived; was really nice seeing him again. So we basically just hung out inour hot upstairs backstage sharing jokes and stories having a good time. I got a scotch from Michele and that just tasted awesome. I hadn't had a scotch since way before I left home. And rthat drink just set off a good start to a great show. We had a lot of fun playing in Seattle that night. You guys were ripping it apart! Thank you so much!

 

No afterparty in Seattle on a Monday night, but a girl insisted on getting us pizzas after the show, which was generous and a very good idea. Then I was given a horrible drink in the bar. Seriously, I do appreciate when people wanna buy me drinks, so please feel free to do so, but if you buy me anything that even remotely tastes like root beer or has something of a wintergreen taste to it, I am gonna have you removed from the venue through defenestration - or you can choose to be bludgeoned by the 15 inches dildo we got the other night in Portland. But hey, keep those drinks cummin'!

Sunset in Seattle

....aaaand, I got my iPad in Seattle. Good shit ;)

Day 12 Salt Lake City - Boise

Arrived in Boise on time, had a great dinner outside in the alley behind the Shredder club.We set up the stage, did the show, had fun, went off.

Although Boise is what many would call a shithole (fuck you!), the few people that came out to the show were cool. Thanks to all of you, and also a special thanks to those of you who came down from Montana. We hope it was worth it after all. Not much more to say about that night, so we packed our gear and made an overnight drive to Seattle in order to get in early at the hotel for sleep, work out and laundry.

Day 11 Denver-Salt Lake City

Can I please talk to the new Spicy Shrimp Burrito
about the job opening?

Touring is great, touring is exhausting, touring is hazardous! Great because you get to be with people you like, people you care about, people you learn a lot from and people you share so many things with. It is also great because you make new friends and get to meet old friends and acquaintances. And of course it is great because you get to see new places and meet different people in different parts of the world, and you get to perform your music in front of thankful and energetic crowds.

It is exhausting because you are mostly travelling, so you don't get to see the sights, you don't get too much sleep, you almost never have the time to recoup properly and - the alcohol is both the reason and the cure for this.

Touring is hazardous, and if you read the last blog post, you know why. So, we woke up at this Wyoming truck stop, all of us cold to the bone since the heater in our van is broken, at least no one knows how to put it on, and the temperatures that night was pretty low. I felt like someone had just thrown me in a fucking wood chipper and sewn me back together with barbed wire. I got quite a few looks from the truckers, and when I had a look in the mirror, I really couldn't blame them. I addition to my fucked up head, I had bruises and grazes on both my knees, on my shoulder, my knuckles and my wrist.

Salt Lake City

You mean "cared"?

Andy reading his new mag

Fell back to sleep and woke up as we arrived at our hotel in SLC, just 2 blocks away from the venue, Area 51. That gave us some time to check in early and get a couple of hours of sleep before load-in at the venue. Niiiice! Then Andy, Layna and myself took a short walk in the hot streets of downtown Salt Lake City and had a dinner at a grill up the street from the venue. Of course I had a steak (wrapped in bacon, thank you). I mean, I fucking love meat. I could, if possible, eat only meat all day for the rest of my life. It is just too damn good. I know you vegetarians have all sorts of reasons for not eating meat, and I have no problems with that at all, but guys, you are so missing out on some of the most awesome food this planet has to offer. I wonder if America has meat flavored soda... If you don't have it here, it does not exist at all.

After setting up the stage, we realized how small it was. If Andy wasn't gonna fall off stage, my booth had to be pulled back a bit, so during the gig I could actually just lean into the wall behind me and it would still look like I was standing upright, so not much room for jumping or moving around. We kind of thought it would be a low energy show, but man were we wrong. When SITD came down backstage after their performance all excited about the show and the crowd, we knew it would become a great night.

Our backstage was set up in a shitty basement, and that basement was the backdrop for Andy's birthday. Before the show people had brought him some awesome gifts, and whether we wanted it or not, we just had to have some birthday shots before the show. Unfortunately there are some damn strict alcohol restrictions in SLC, so we weren't allowed to bring any kind of alchohol on stage, which was kind of a bummer since it was Saturday night and Andy's birthday and all. A few water bottles with mysterious content on stage fixed that :) And what a night! The SLC crowd were raving already during the first song, and during the third song people in the front had to push people back in order not to be pushed up on stage or fall over. This is by far the best crowd we've had on this tour. Thank you so much, Salt Lake!

Before the show a guy brought Andy a birthday cake, and when the main set was over, all our friends came on stage with a cake for Andy. And Andy shared. Oh yes, he did. After a while all of us on stage and the people up front looked like they were partaking a German scheisse movie. Pretty disturbing, actually, but a good intro to Floorkiller :-) The club was raving and it was a great end to the show.

The bars close early in Salt Lake, so wasn't too much time to hang out, but it was cool talking to all you nice and friendly people out on the patio. Thank you all for coming out the the show! Tonight is Boise, ID. First time there...

Day X - Nowhere-Denver

No end

Stopping for food

Day ten of this tour. Still on the road, literally. Been driving a few hours now, and we just hit the state of Colorado. Looks the same, though. Never ending fields of corn or just yellow grass and dust. I wonder how it would be like to live out here in these desolate plains. Somehow I have this romantic approach to it, like it would be cool to just live out here for a couple of months and do all the daily ranch stuff, and then just sit in the yard doing nothing but dipping, drinking beer and make moonshine. Maybe go hunting, although I don't see how you could hunt in these areas since there are no places to hide.

Had a nice sleep in Gothenburg, NE tonight. All-night sleeps are rare on this tour, so that was a refreshing experience, and I even found time for a good run. Now we're just passing time in the van while waiting for the hills to emerge in the horizon. So, no stories, no controversy, no incidents, just rednecks and hillbillies. Still 170 miles to go. Won't be much to write till after tonight's show, so in the meantime you can enjoy the clip below from Minneapolis. One thing is the American restrooms where there are like big cracks and openings in the stalls; you never have complete privacy when dropping goods. In Europe, at least in Northern Europe, most public toilet stalls are real rooms with real doors and walls that go all the way from the floor to the ceiling. At Ground Zero in Minnesota the stalls are something out of the ordinary as you not only have to take a dump with no doors, but you also have seats for spectators. I thought they were all Scandinavian descendants up there, but I guess most of them emigrated before the water closet or something. Or, maybe it is a sexual thing - I dunno.

Just reading about the riots in the underdeveloped parts of our world. Nothing against any of the nationalities or religions or anything, just amazed and angry seeing all these people going fucking nuts setting fire to schools, embassies, KFC's and now even the German embassy in Sudan. I support tolerance, cultural respect and freedom of speech, but no one should tolerate this kind of behaviour. No matter how fucked up US foreign politics is, this is just a disgrace to humanity. I can understand their anger and frustration, but nothing can justify actions like these. It is puzzling though that so many muslims actually partake in this - frightening actually. Islam as a religion condemn such behaviour, but I guess that is how religion is and always was. You can say you'd rather kill yourself than not being allowed to wear your religious piece of clothing, like for example a Niquab or a nun habit, but at the same time you kill, rage and rape while holding the holy book in your hand. Fucking hypocrisy!
... now a stop at Walmart - America's finest ;-)

Sooo much to choose from at Walmart!

...Haven't been able to write in a few days, so now, on our way out of Salt Lake City, I will try to recollect what has happened the last few days starting with the night in Denver. So, we finally saw some mountains in the distance meaning we were getting closer to Denver and civilization. We were going to the airport first to pick up Andy's girlfriend Layna, and so we had 30 minutes to just hang out in the sun before she arrived.

Ape: Doing merch and being awesome

Waiting at Denver airport

Waiting (?) at Denver airport

After an interesting drive through the "ghetto" of Denver, where there must have been like 15 dispensaries within a stretch of like 4 miles, we got to the club. A nice club, really clean - reminded us of a lot of European venues and bars. The entire upstairs of the club was our backstage for the night. So we basically had a 800 capasity venue all to ourselves, with a bar, pool tables and decent restrooms. Good times! We were planning on taking it easy that night, but that turned out to be quite difficult to follow since a few guys, VIPs that we'd met earlier that night, kept feeding us Jäger shots from the side of the stage. So the ominous mix between the energy we got from the great Denver crowd and the brain devouring jäger came into effect the second we went off stage after doing two encores. Well, I guess I can only speak for myself, but the truth is I don't recall any fucking thing from the time we went off stage till I woke up in the van the next morning, freezing my ass off somewhere in Wyoming, and with a damn nasty scratch on my head.

Backstage @ Deathwish in Denver

Andy & Layna backstage @ Deathwish in Denver

VIP crew and Jäger suppliers

Gorbachev is the one to the left

So, apparently I was blazing back and forth backstage screaming and acting like a dick, getting more and more shitfaced. I was insisting we wouldn't leave although everybody was ready to leave for SLC (overnight drive). Anyway, I got my ass into the van eventually and passed out within seconds. Not far into our drive, I was starting to make funny noises - like roars from the deep, like if someone put a jar up my ass, maybe. Not that I know how that must feel like, but I know a jar is an astonishly huge item to be stuffing up you pooper. The other guys asked if I had to throw up, to which I replied with weird bodily motions and small grunts. Chris wanted to show some love and help me by holding my head up, but that just backfired as I was drewling like a bitch all over his arms. As soon as the van stopped, Chris tried to give a helping hand by escorting me out of the van, but I just pushed him off and literally dived out of the van, head first into the concrete crash barriers! That hurt so fucking bad, and I do actually remember those few seconds. Someone must have been tampering with the steps out of the van, cause I usually find it easy to step out. After I got up on my feet and I got some fresh air, my memory was lost again. I have no clue whatsoever what was going on till we all woke up in Wyoming, but that is part of next blog post.

"I'm not drunk, just retarded"

Day 9 Minneapolis-nowhere

So, on our way to nowhere. There is no show tonight, and then we are playing Denver, CO tomorrow, so we have been driving all day. Right now I am sitting in the van writing and looking out at the beautiful surroundings every now and then. Right now we are in the infamous Pottawattamie county - you know, where you have places like Prarie Rose State Park, Underwood, Anita and Council Bluffs (actually, that is somewhere) - following the I-80 West through Iowa. Funny geographical names out here! Driving between the cities we have played so far has not been very interesting, and most of Iowa is boring as hell, but after we passed Des Moines the geography has changed into more hills. It is certainly beautiful here, but I'd rather kill myself by swallowing a bunch of light bulbs then tell Chuck Norris he is a faggot and that he can't do proper roundkicks anymore - than live here!

We have been driving for 5 hours now and have 5 hours left before we get a hotel for the night. We have mostly been sleeping or surfing the net. Occasionally I need to open the window to let som foul air out :-P I am in the middle of Lars Von Triers "Melancholia" now, but just took a break to fill you in on what's up, and I might let you know what I think as soon as I'm done.  In an hour or so we'll stop at a restaurant to get ourselves a BIG Omaha steak. Hell yeah!

Back in the van, driving in the dark. Didn't get a so called Omaha steak, but hammered down a 20 oz rib-eye at a Texas Roadhouse reastaurant. After watching this clip called One Guy One Cup or something like that earlier today, which by the way to a large extent ruined my whole fucking day (for those of you who haven't seen it, there is a guy who puts a jar up his ass and then it breaks inside his pooper - I can't even write this without getting freaked out), that steak really saved it again. That steak was so good I bet the cow was sexy as hell!

Day 8 Milwaukee-Minneapolis

Big cock!

So, waking up after the after party in Milwaukee was not very nice. To my surprise, when Andy and I came downstairs to the lobby to meet the rest of the pack for a 9 o'clock van call, Tom had already been working out in the hotel fitness room. That is just fucked up. I think he was up at 0630!!! Respect!

Had a decent hotel breakfast, I think. (Right now I am not sure I am writing about the correct hotel and day - it is starting to mix up quite a lot in my head) Btw we are passing Thornton in Franklin County, Iowa as I am writing. Well, back to the hotel... I am pretty sure we had a hotel breakfast since we were up so early. Had a bowl of cereal, a yoghurt and a piece of toast, an apple and a glass of water. The reason I write this is so you can compare this breakfast with the breakfast I had in Minneapolis one day later ;-)

My socks were fucking toxic, so I walked barefooted around, and my luggage was so far back in the trunk so my plan was just to get some cheap socks at our first stop. Wouldn't take long before we stopped, or should I say "had to stop". Chris suddenly leaned forward and asked Tyler (TM, driver, fixer, oracle and superman on the tour) "When are we stopping?", and Tyler answered "Well, we are stopping at Guitar Center, which is like 500 meters" (he didn't say "meters" obviously, since he is American)m to which Chris replied "can we stop like NOW?!" And then he jumped head first out of the van while letting loose a roar followed by the remains of the previous night mixed with the breakfast from that morning. And so it started. This was going to be a long trip for all of us, Chris in particular.

Before

After

While he cleaned up I went barefooted into a sports store asking for emergency socks as I had none. I think the clerk felt sorry for me or something, cause at first she glanced over at the sock rack, but then she just reached behind the counter and opened a pack of socks and gave them to me. That is great service!

The drive to Minneapolis was hard. None of us was in great shape, to say the least, and the afterparty eventually got to me too, right about the time we drove into Minnesota. Or was it the taco and quesedilla at Taco Bell, maybe?  When we got to the venue i just crashed on the first sofa I could find, which was more a bench with cushions on it. Flat out till the soundcheck started. Around the time when soundcheck started, a few guys arrived with beer and a gallon of Jäger, which got us all back up on our feet.

There were two interesting local bands playing, and when SITD was playing, we could hear and see that the crowd was energetic, and damn, during both our shows the crowd was raving. We had such a great time on stage that night. Thank you, Minneapolis! That shit just makes the hard work and the long drives really worthwile! And Minnesotians (dunno if that is the correct term, but whatever) are really friendly and cool to hang out with. I really enjoyed hanging out talking to you after the show and out back by our van. 

"Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up" Louis CK